YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
