The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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