just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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