my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
