Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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