did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
