the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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