I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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