we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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