The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
