I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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