That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
