Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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