omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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