I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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