I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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