What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
