I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
