Her vagina should come with caution tape.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
