We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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