and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
