This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
