I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
