Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
