Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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