I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
