the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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