You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
