She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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