so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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