After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
