its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Congratulations! We have a period
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