my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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