so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
