I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
sex in a hospital.. check
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
