There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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