you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
