you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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