I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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