thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
