the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
