I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My feet surprised me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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