I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So squirting runs in the family.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
