He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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