1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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