it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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