i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
