Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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