I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm at about main and main street
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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