maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
